For this month’s feature piece, I’m sharing a very personal and vulnerable letter to myself. My hope is that sharing my story helps you feel seen in your own. We all have our own battles but I think we need to give ourselves more credit for how far we’ve come. At the end, I share a brief update on where this space is headed.

Goodbye 38, Hello 39

Happy 39th Birthday, Christina! Another year alive is a privilege. Remember that. Yes, you are getting older, but I would argue that you are the best version of yourself. So let’s keep the annual tradition alive of writing a letter to yourself to reflect on the past year.

First off, I can’t believe it’s already been a year. Nicholas is basically your height now and will definitely be taller than you by the end of this year. He loves hot cheetos just as much as you did as a kid, maybe even more. He started band this year and got you hooked on watching Beast Games with him. We love that kid. You and Armando have officially been together for half your life, and your love for him grows deeper each day. I would argue you are one lucky lady and have a great life.

But let’s be real. You are still the ambitious woman you’ve always been and are always reaching for more. So naturally, you tried all the things and entered into a new kind of fight this past year. A fight with Greta. That is what you decided to call your inner gremlin. And boy, that bitch is stubborn, brutal, full of anxiety, and just will not quit. Sound familiar? It should, because she is YOU.

When you entered year 38, you had this goal of becoming a new version of yourself. Or at least an evolved one. A writer. But in order to let the writer live, you had to kill the old version of you and step into the thorny unknown territory. Something happens when you try to shed old habits. Your old self tends to come and dig their claws deeper into you, desperate to stay alive. Everything they know feels safe to them, so any change is the enemy. And a big part of your old self and your inner gremlin is your battle with anxiety.

But Christina, you should be so proud of how far you’ve come. Sure, you still have bad days and had a few anxiety attacks, but you no longer live with the anxiety goggles strapped on. That in itself is a huge win. And while there were days your old self resurfaced, you still continued to fight back and slowly began the shed.

One of the most valuable lessons you learned this year is that you cannot keep your thoughts and emotions—good or bad—bottled up inside. You have to let them out, whether that be talking about it or even just writing about it.

This past year you learned about a new powerful tool. It’s one you heard about for years but never actually gave a chance. You started doing daily morning pages where you journal for 2–3 pages first thing in the morning. You literally just handwrite whatever is on your mind. It is just your stream of consciousness from your brain to the paper.

It has done wonders for your mental health and your writing. It almost acts like a daily cleanse. Please keep journaling. I would even recommend consistently doing it before bed as well. You live in your head too much at times, and you need to release those thoughts. Trust me. It’s like lifting the bricks off your chest so you can catch your breath again.

The other part of this is talking about your feelings. You haven’t quite figured this out yet, but you are starting to do it more often. Speaking your truth is important. Otherwise, you may seem okay on the outside while stepping back into people-pleasing territory, but inside you are miserable. Please, Christina. One thing I want you to do more of in year 39 is speak your truth even when your voice shakes.

Speaking your truth in life naturally spilled over into your writing. This past year you worked on becoming more comfortable on the page. Letting yourself sound like yourself instead of who you thought you should be. Or who other people would want to read. This one is still rocky, but you’ve made progress.

Let’s be honest. You’ve been searching for an author box to put yourself into. You watched all the videos on the importance of building an author brand, so naturally you began this process. First you thought it was going to be about positivity and personal development. Then you started writing a horror book (we will get into this in a bit) and decided to put yourself in that lane.

But recently, when thinking about how you want to show up with your writing outside your novel, you aren’t sure what you want to do. You don’t feel like one thing. And that is because you aren’t supposed to try to be like anyone else. Yes, you wrote a horror novel and horror short stories, but that doesn’t mean that is all you can write.

I want you to take the next six weeks that you have away from your book and write whatever the hell you want. If you want to write about your journey with personal development, do it. Write about gardening. Do it. Short stories, both horror and non-horror. Poetry. Do that. Take these next six weeks to experiment and, for fucks sake, do not pay attention to the numbers! Remember, we don’t compare ourselves to anyone. It’s you vs. you.

This past year you also went down a new path with movement. One you never thought you’d take. Bodybuilding. There are three phases to this: bulking, maintenance, and cutting. You haven’t done a full on cut yet, so you can’t speak to that.

During the bulking phase, you needed to eat a lot and lift progressively heavier for 8–12 weeks. This is a period where you are growing muscle but also gaining some fat. Here is the kicker that fucked with your head because of how women were taught to think about their weight because of society… blah blah blah. You know the deal.

Every time you stepped on the scale and saw your weight go up (which is exactly what you were trying to do), Greta was right there to say one word to you: “FAT.” And there were days where you shut her down, but I know it messed with your head a bit.

But I want to remind you that those are just numbers and do not dictate your self-worth. You are actually strong as hell. And congratulations… you did what the bulk was intended to do. You put on weight and your muscles are growing. Remember, muscle weighs more than fat. I mean, come on. Even some of your T-shirts are a bit tight around the arms because of those guns. And yes, some of your jeans are tighter now too (those legs and that ass though), but again, they are just clothes. You can just get a bigger size. Please continue to do the work to unlearn those idiotic, unrealistic standards.

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Now let’s talk about the biggest lesson of year 38. You can do hard things. Christina!!! You wrote a fucking book. Holy shit! Take that in for a sec.

Writing a book has always just been an idea in the back of your heart, a far-off dream that you never thought was possible. You didn’t think you were smart enough, but this past year you went for it. It was kind of a snowball effect. First you just decided to start writing. Then you had a dream that you wanted to turn into a short story, but the idea grew and you knew it was much bigger than that. And just like that, boom, April came along and you decided to just go for it.

While it was a long ten months of fights with Greta and starting and stopping, you persevered and you should be so fucking proud of yourself. Once you locked into a real writing routine and focused only on the book, your momentum grew and you finished it. Now I know you know this is just the beginning and there is so much more work to be done before the book is publishable. But your first draft is doing what it needs to do. It exists! You are now in the top 3% of people who start writing a book and actually finish their first draft.

If there is one thing about you, it’s that you don’t just talk about doing things. You take action. So take the next six weeks and step away from the book. Let it rest so you can come back ready for draft two with fresh eyes. I know you want to jump back in and start editing, but you need the distance. In the meantime, go have fun and experiment with other stories, essays, garden diary post, etc. And read a lot. Read all different types of books and genres.

As you step into the last year of your thirties, I want you to do a few things. Love yourself every day. Tell yourself: I got this. Yes I can. I am enough as I am. My voice matters. Damn girl you fine. I am proud of you. Even on the days where you feel blah.

You have done a lot of work to reprogram your mind, but this is a lifelong journey, so you must continue to show up. Remember, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself.

I also want you to choose joy more. Do things that light your heart on fire. Dance every day. Lean into gardening again. It really does bring you peace and happiness. Play more. Embrace the little girl in you waiting with open arms. She needs to know that everything will be okay. Tap into her imagination and wonder. And truly let yourself play, in life and with your writing.

Christina, I am going to need you to get out of the house more too. I know you love your bubble. It’s peaceful. It’s safe. But deep down you want more adventure. Do not let your anxiety stop you from living.

And finally, I want you to be audacious. Be bold and brave. Take risks and own your story and vision. Especially with your writing goals and creativity. Create from a place of joy and play and share it audaciously.

But please do not focus on growing social media or trying to spit out weekly posts for Substack. This year is all about shaping your voice, owning your story, and just having fun with your writing.

I know you have pretty ambitious goals for your future as a writer, and you know it’s going to take some time to get there. But one thing I know is that you will not get there if you play it safe. Audacity will be your secret weapon.

You are a brave, intelligent, and strong woman, and I cannot wait to see where life takes us in five to ten years. Cheers to the last year of this decade. May it be filled with love, joy, laughter, play, and a lot of writing.

I love you Christina and I am so proud of you!

Update:

I’ve been craving a realistic rhythm that supports my writing instead of pressuring it. So early each month, I’ll share a feature piece, either a short story or a personal essay. The newsletter will come on the 13th, and during gardening season, I’ll share Notes from the Garden later in the month.

The Dark Petal

Goodbye 38, Hello 39