Happy Birthday! Congratulations on making it to 38!

Remember those dark moments when you weren’t sure if you'd make it? When you didn’t know how you could continue living each day with those anxiety goggles on? But here you are, Christina. You're doing it. You're slowly but surely breaking free from the chains that once held you down. Be proud of yourself, and don’t forget to continue loving yourself every single day.

Let’s start a new tradition: reflecting on the past year of life and the lessons you’ve learned along the way. And it starts today.

The past year has been full of ups and downs. Looking back through pictures, everything may have appeared like sunshine and rainbows on the outside, but you know your mind didn’t always let you see that light. I’m proud of you for going to therapy and working on yourself. Yes, you stopped going, but you learned so much about how your trauma still affects your daily life. Your childhood was chaotic, and your nervous system doesn’t know how to handle life when it’s not calm and predictable. That’s why you tend to worry about everything, fear the unknown, and automatically think of the worst-case scenario. Living life this way, you couldn’t sleep, you always had a headache, and your mind was constantly focused on the negative. But this year, you learned a very important lesson…

You become what you think about. When you focus on the negative, that’s all you’ll see. This is a simple but powerful lesson. Your thoughts create your world. So, you slowly started working on intentionally looking for the positive. By focusing on the good, even when it’s hard, you’re rewiring your brain to see possibility instead of fear. Continue to remind yourself every day to THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS, so that even when life happens (because it will), you won’t be shackled by the anxiety goggles and will still be able to see the beauty in life. I am proud of you for putting in the work to rewire your brain. That is not easy but you are making so much progress. Keep going!

OMG! You finally started writing this past year. Remember all the doubts and negative things you’d tell yourself for over a year? Things like, “I’m not smart enough to write a book. Who do I think I am to even have that dream? I don’t have any writing background, and honestly, I suck at it. A writer? Ha, maybe in another life.”

This is the rough timeline of how things shifted this year: You finally said your dream out loud. You told Armando, and then Diana. And guess what? They didn’t think you were crazy—quite the opposite. They encouraged you. But just because they encouraged you didn’t mean you started writing immediately. You had to believe in yourself first. You continued to say you’d start for months, then something shifted after the panic attack you had the day after the election. You spoke up, and that lit a tiny spark. You found your voice and realized that if change was what you wanted, you had to do it yourself. No one is coming to save you, and there will never be a perfect time to start.

It’s a reminder that, while support and inspiration from others are valuable, the responsibility to take action and put in the work ultimately falls on you. But you’ve been here before. Remember quitting your job and running a cookie business from your tiny apartment and then your house? Or the garden you literally started from seed last year? Sometimes you forget that. Stop forgetting the things you’ve already accomplished and the skills you’ve learned throughout your life. You are a strong woman who is capable of anything you set your mind to.

Okay, back to the timeline. You had a severe panic attack and decided enough was enough. You couldn’t keep complaining about your job or dueling over the fact that the U.S. elected a convicted felon over an overqualified woman. You needed change. But you still didn’t start writing then. Instead, you got a badass witch tattoo on your forearm. Just months earlier, you’d thought that getting a tattoo on your arm would look unprofessional, but you loved them and really wanted one. You were worried about corporate America’s bias against women with tattoos. You said, "Fuck it. This is MY BODY, and I’ll do whatever the hell I want with it." And so you got the tattoo. That tiny ember of your voice grew into a flame. You rediscovered your strength and confidence and wrote your first piece of writing ever. And it’s called Witch Tattoo.

But here’s the thing: you didn’t continue writing consistently. The holidays came around, and you decided to focus on that — wanting to bake cookies for everyone. No regrets there, as it brought you back to the joy you once had around cookies. After the holidays, you picked up your laptop and decided to try again. You quickly realized that writing is hard, and it takes time. You realized that, like everything else, you have to accept that you’ll suck in the beginning and that failure is part of the process. You had to get comfortable being uncomfortable.

You haven’t been on that thorny growth path in a while, so it was hard at first. But you thrive there and love growth. You listened to the audiobook Atomic Habits by James Clear and learned that, in order to build a habit, you have to start small to get quick wins. Your version of starting small was daily Instagram stories, where you wrote a few sentences mainly about fitness and mental health. It helped build the habit, and then you started writing at least twice a week.

It’s been about a month and a half now, and you tend to either pick up a book or write whenever you have free time instead of watching TV. The only thing you watch now is wrestling. That’s a major change, and you should be proud of yourself.

The next lesson to carry into year 38 is to not believe in imposter syndrome. It’s a lie. Those thoughts of “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t belong here” are just fear trying to hold you back. The truth is, you’re worthy of your success, your voice, and your creativity. The journey of writing isn’t about being perfect from the start; it’s about showing up, embracing the process, and trusting that you’re more than capable. So, when those feelings of inadequacy show up (and they will), remind yourself that they’re just that—feelings. They don’t define you, and they certainly don’t stop you. Keep moving forward, one word at a time.

But you didn’t stop at just building a writing habit. You were brave again and started a Substack account to share your writing with the world. You taught yourself how to use the platform and have started posting weekly. You decided to be unapologetically delusional about your dreams and started acting like the writer you want to be. You will write books one day, but first, you’re learning how to write and holding yourself accountable with weekly posts. Good for you. You’ve defied the odds before, and you can do it again. I believe in you—please continue to believe in yourself.

Remember that believing in yourself is half the battle. Sometimes we believe a narrative about ourselves based on our own limiting beliefs. But you can do this, Christina. Your voice matters, and you have a unique story to tell. Don’t let the fear of failing hold you back. Keep going!

You also have a whole new relationship with food now. Over the past few months, Armando has taught you a lot about the food you consume. Being healthy doesn't mean achieving a certain weight or following Emily's diet from The Devil Wears Prada — you know, the one where she doesn’t eat anything until she’s about to pass out and then eats a cube of cheese. It's actually the opposite, and much simpler. You just need to eat balanced meals made of mostly whole foods. You need to make sure you're consuming enough calories, protein, carbs, and fat — yes, more carbs! Tracking your food while building this habit helped bring awareness to everything you eat. You actually need to eat a lot more than you thought, which surprised you. Movement is also important, but you've known that for a while now. The key takeaway is this: if you put garbage into your body, you’ll feel like garbage. Garbage foods are the processed junk filled with chemicals that don’t fill you and end up making you even hungrier. You can still treat yourself to unhealthy things, but it's all about balance. Also, drink more water. Seriously, drink more water, and start working on building that habit today.

Let’s talk about other people’s opinions of you. As Rachel Hollis says, they are none of your business. Let me say it again because you can still struggle with this from time to time: OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINION OF YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. If you spend your time thinking about what others think of you, you'll be miserable and turn into a chameleon. And sometimes, you assume people are talking about you, but you don’t know for sure. Most of the time, people are thinking about themselves.

You are happiest when you live authentically, embracing who you truly are: the nerdy woman who loves witchy vibes, reading romantic fantasy books, obsessing over flowers, not into makeup, believing in equal human rights for all, a homebody who loves wrestling, enjoys family time, and wants to write books. You can’t fully live authentically if you're always worrying about what others think, especially those whose values don’t align with yours.

You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness and the person you become, so stop letting the opinions of others dictate your self-esteem or your choices. Post on social media if you want, write your books, keep following your curiosity, and live your life on your terms. You only get one!

This leads me to the most important lesson you learned this year: LOVE YOURSELF!

You’ve struggled with this for some time now, but you’ve learned that the most important and longest relationship you will have is with yourself. So treat yourself with the same love and care you give to everyone else. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself grace when you fall off your goals or make mistakes. Because guess what? Life is not always going to be like a bright summer day. There will be rainstorms, but that’s the only way to see the rainbows. You’re still learning how to rewire your brain, so be patient with yourself. You’re still going to have bad moments, but don’t let those bad moments turn into bad days, bad weeks, bad months, etc. You do not need to be perfect. You are worthy of love and respect just the way you are.

Loving yourself also means setting boundaries. If your anxiety flares up and your energy is off around certain people, for whatever reason, limit those interactions. Protect your peace! I know that growing up, you wanted love from those who couldn’t give it to you or chose not to fight for you. You tend to build up an idea of something or someone, only to be disappointed. You do not need someone else’s love to be valued as a person or to feel worthy of love. Also, do not let society make you think you are somehow less valuable because you were born with a vagina and not a penis. Fuck the patriarchy!

And please, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Continue to eat healthy, work out, read, garden, and do things that are good for your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. I know when things get tough, you tend to be self-deprecating and start to self-sabotage. When you notice that gremlin showing up unannounced, tell it to get the fuck out of your house. Talk to yourself positively, on purpose. Tell yourself you look cute, thank your body every day, focus on the positive. You are a strong, beautiful, brave, quirky, smart, loving, caring badass woman! Don’t ever forget that.

I am so proud of you, Christina, and I love you!

The Dark Petal

Goodbye 37, Hello 38