Flickering in the Darkness

From Anxiety to Joy

Today was a sad day.

My heart broke. Anxiety, that fear of the unknown, is winning today. But the tiny flame I’ve been nurturing is still flickering. I can't let the waves of negativity wash away my light. I won’t let the ugliness of the world outshine its beauty.

Instead of sinking deeper into the weight of my thoughts, I decided to pick up my laptop and write. The act itself felt like rebellion against the darkness. And with each word, I felt the weight lifting.

Welcome to the inside of my complicated, beautiful brain, where, despite the rubble, I'm desperately reaching for the light.

I was scattered throughout the workday, unable to focus. I’m grateful I was able to work from home. Being around others, celebrating, would have made it harder. I was on edge, consumed by fear of the unknown. Anxiety held me hostage all day. And when it takes over, I feel small, hopeless, and sad. Sleepless nights trickle into the next day, draining my energy and motivation to move. When I fall into that space, it’s hard to escape. But I refuse to stay there. We all deserve the space to be who we truly are and to feel joy in our lives.

As soon as Armando got home from work, I let my thoughts spill out, one after another. The thing that stood out most was, 'I’d be okay with not leaving our house for the next four years.' We both half-laughed, but there was truth in it. The outside world feels so out of control, chaotic, unkind, and lacking empathy. Sometimes, just stepping into a crowded grocery store triggers my anxiety. I’d rather stay in my beautiful, cozy, nerdy home.

The oversized couch that holds the imprint of our family movie nights. The scent of pumpkin roll Scentsy still lingering in the air. Dog toys scattered across the floor. Shelves beside the TV filled with family photos and witchy décor. My little gardening nook, where I start my seeds and watch them grow. My son’s messy room, overflowing with the things that make him him. Our basement gym, packed with Armando’s action figure collection. The way sunlight filters through the windows in the afternoon...

This is where I feel most at peace. In this space, I can breathe.

I love my bubble, but I know I cannot exist only in it.

Growing up, I thought I wanted the fast, loud life, but as I get older, all I really want is a peaceful, slow life. I want to follow my curiosity, continue learning, and embrace the quiet joy of just being. I believe every human being deserves the right to live the life they choose, in peace and with basic human rights.

The world feels heavy right now, but I’m determined to keep searching for the light. I’ll keep exploring this world through words, one day at a time. I will continue to use my voice, allow myself to be silly, and have fun. I will keep showing up, loving myself, seeking joy, and encouraging others to do the same. That’s the only way I’ll survive whatever life throws at me next.

I don’t know what the next few years will bring, but I won’t give up. I’ll keep being brave, letting my light shine in hopes it catches fire and spreads to as many people as possible. Because let me tell you, recently, I decided to wear positivity, and it felt incredible. It looked good on me, too. I believe it will look even better on you.

As we embark on this new world together, let’s treat ourselves with the kindness we so often deny, seek out community, and do things that set our souls on fire. Every small act of joy, even just five minutes a day, is a choice to fight against the noise, to prioritize our peace. Choosing joy isn’t just radical…it’s revolutionary. It’s a declaration that we are worthy of joy, no matter the chaos around us.

And remember, think happy thoughts!