I’ve been quiet on here lately. Not because I don’t have anything to say. If anything, it’s the opposite. My mind has been loud. Loud with many creative ideas, self-doubt, comparisons, what-ifs, and a few too many scrolls through other people’s highlight reels. Social media is weird like that. One minute it inspires me, the next it convinces me I’m behind. And it is addictive. It drains a lot of mental energy, and I’ve recently decided to take some of that time and energy back. Or at least try to find a better balance and build some boundaries.
Lately, I’ve been using all of my spare time, which isn’t much, to work on my novel. The journey from just believing in myself enough to start writing to where I am now has been anything but a straight line. It’s more like the Hagrid’s Motorbike Adventure roller coaster at Universal. You take off fast, heading straight, and then suddenly you’re twisting and turning and it feels like you might fly off the rails. Just when it seems like you’ve reached the top, the track yanks you backward into a dark tunnel full of monsters. I like to call my monster Greta.
Then, just when you think you’ve defeated your monster, the ground is pulled from beneath you and suddenly you’re dropping faster than you went up. Then you rush forward again, full speed, thinking this time you’ve got it. And then the whole cycle starts over.
I’m not even sure I’ll ever get off the ride, and quite frankly, I don’t want to. I’m proud of myself for being brave enough to get on, even without knowing how it would end. But I’ll be honest, there have been many times when my monster, Greta, tries to pull me off.
But that unicorn you see toward the end of the ride? That’s what keeps me on. That’s my why.
I started my writing journey about eight months ago, and now I’m realizing it was more than just a writing journey. It was me breaking out of my old mold and into something new. Like a snake shedding its skin. It was a pivotal moment in my life. I guess we can call it an evolution. A new version of myself. I believe that as we age, we’ll continue to evolve and become many versions of ourselves.
For me, it started with a debilitating anxiety attack. One that had been building slowly, one negative brick at a time. And then…BAM! It all came crashing down and collapsed on itself. I laid there, covered in the toxic bricks, gasping for air.
I had two options: stay there and live the rest of my life with a cloud of negative dust following me everywhere, or pull myself out of the rubble and start moving toward something brighter, even if I didn’t know what it was yet.
The first thing I did for myself was get a tattoo on my arm. And not a tiny one that could easily be covered. A big, bold, beautiful witch. It was liberating. That was the spark that lit my voice. A voice I didn’t know I had or even wanted.
It started with daily Instagram stories where I shared my workouts and the little lessons I picked up along the way. Then it evolved into reels of me lifting weights with motivating text layered over them. Eventually, I started posting clips of me being silly and dancing. That was something I never would have done before. I was learning to love myself. And that led to me believing in myself, which is what started my journey as a writer.
I began sharing my writing on Substack and Instagram. I wrote mostly personal reflections, essays, and recapped most of my cookie business journey. I also started working on my first fictional book. And it was getting me attention.
Let’s be honest. Everyone loves and craves attention, whether we like to admit it or not. Wanting to be seen, heard, and validated is a normal part of the human experience. But it can become dangerous if we let it take over.
I started posting more on social media, trying to play by its rules. Create for the algorithm and you’ll be rewarded with views and likes. Fake dopamine is what I’m learning to call it.
My focus began to shift toward content creation, and it took up so much of the most valuable currency we all have: time. It took me forever to create content because I overthink everything. My self-worth became tangled with how well the content performed and what strangers thought of me. Low views? That must mean I suck at writing, I’m terrible at speaking, and apparently I’m ugly too. No one cares what I’m saying or writing about, so why bother? It doesn’t matter. *Just a little peek inside my brain.
I kept trying to create content based on what I thought would perform well. Instead of fully stepping into the new version of myself, I was falling back into old habits. Habits filled with self-doubt, people pleasing and one where anxiety started to take the lead. My creativity suffered as a result, and I found myself writing less and less, especially when it came to the novel.
I began consuming more THC to try and numb those negative emotions. But for me, it only made things worse. It’s now been four weeks without it, and my mental state has improved so much. That’s something I may share more about when I feel ready.
At this point, I truly believe the old version of me and the new version I’m trying to become are at war with each other. Which brings me back to the unicorn. My secret weapon. My why. It’s twofold.
When I first ignited the spark in my voice, I wanted to use it to spread positivity, joy, and motivation. It was never supposed to be about feeding the algorithm. So I will continue to post content, but on my terms. I’m letting go of the pressure to show up just to keep up. That means some days I won’t post at all. Some days I’ll share what brings me joy, like pretty pictures of flowers or videos of my garden. Other days, I’ll share words of encouragement, reflections, or lessons I’ve learned along this journey we call life. That might be through pictures, a video, or in writing, like this post.
Because honestly, I need those reminders too. And if something I share helps someone or brings them joy, even if I never know it, it will all have been worth it.
But my why doesn’t end there. The rest lives in my writing.
When I first allowed myself to dream about becoming a writer, I wanted to write fiction. I wanted to use my imagination to create stories with characters that we can all relate to, especially women. I’ve lived a very, let’s say, interesting life, and I wanted to use my experiences to shape a book. One that is fictional, yes, but also carries a powerful message. A message that, truthfully, I’m still learning myself.
That message is that your self-worth doesn’t come from others. It doesn’t come from social media or how many views or likes you get. It doesn’t come from any external factor. It comes from within. You have to learn to love yourself fully, because that is where your true power lives.
And honestly, part of it is just for me. To prove I could do it. To let myself have this writing dream.
So I will continue to show up. Not for the numbers. Not for approval. But for the unicorn I’m chasing, and everything she stands for.
Keep chasing that Unicorn!! 🦄